Hello, My Name Is Spasticat and I’ll Be Your Stewardess

I hate pickin’ on poor lil’ KLM, but they make such easy targets. It’s not because I fly them so much (which I do, so that should say something), but they’re just so adorbs in their Pan Am-era uniforms and with their peppy, pretty, polite stewardesses, and their delft houses and all. I love the Dutch, but good God I had this flight attendant in business class on the way from Amsterdam to New York on Sunday that was either an over-the-hill trainee (I’m not sure why they would put her in biz, though) or her last tulip harvest got all screwed up and frazzled her or something. GEE-ZUS was she spaz! And I mean spas-ti-CAT!

I mean, damn. She was in a frantic rush the entire flight – to get everyone seated, to get everyone’s welcome drink handed out and empty champagne glasses collected back up, to get the appetizer served, to get the dinner served, to get drinks out again and refreshed. There was another stewardess in the cabin (the upper deck), but I rarely saw her. Was she just chillin’ back there or something? I didn’t think the 747 upper deck was big enough to need two separate people in exclusive areas. Or maybe the other one just didn’t want to get infected with rabies or whatever it was this one spasticat had.

It prob didn’t help her condition that I forgot to stow one of the laptops I had with me on takeoff and just put it down beside my seat to grab again once I was sure we were in the air and they wouldn’t yell at me for having it out, because as soon as the plane angled skyward off the runway my trusty dusty (and rather heavy) Macbook Pro shot out behind my seat, across the exit row aisle behind me, and crashed into the foot rest of the passenger behind me. True story. I was really embarrassed, but I didn’t realize the 2 flight attendants were seated in crew seats right there on the other side of the aisle in that wide exit row, meaning they both saw the whole thing and surely judged me as a noncompliant passenger thereafter. Oh well, I am. But at least I didn’t have time to sneak my amaretto onto this flight. That might have sent her over the edge if she caught me. But they never do… b/c I’m a sneaky snake like that.

One thing that did freak ME out a little was at one point during the flight, this women wearing oxygen and a man carrying an oxygen tank behind her walked through the cabin to the front, where the cockpit entrance is, escorted by another flight attendant, and they ushered them into what I thought was the cockpit area and the flight attendant closed the door behind them and walked back out. I was like — uhh, either we’re accommodating a Make-A-Wish customer who wants to check out a cockpit mid-flight before she dies or we’re getting hijacked. If it was the former, I was hoping her wish was only to be in the cockpit and not actually fly the plane. They stayed in there for the whole flight, and then came out and exited calmly back downstairs towards the end of the flight. I still have no clue what the hell they were doing or what that was all about, but how about an explanation or something next time to deflate the curiosities, KLM?

Maybe it was some hijacker wannabe’s taking us on a joyride across the Atlantic and that’s what homegirl was spazzin’ out about. Who the hell knows!?